Archive | September, 2011

Oh Really?

30 Sep

I’ve been trying to tell this story for a while – turns out all it took was a low grade fever and a few beers.



29 Sep

What is the name of the thing where a girl finally realizes that being swept away to Paris is not, in fact, the most romantic thing a man could do for you?

Things I Have Learned From My Mother

27 Sep

1. If you have the spins, put one foot on the floor.

2. A bad man can wear a suit and tie just as easily as a good man.

3. Marry a man with hair on his chest. (I didn’t, and look how that turned out.)

4. Get cremated. Eventually, if you are buried, you will be dug up and possibly featured on the cover of National Geographic.

5. Don’t let anyone but your father call you “sweetheart.”

6. If you try your hardest, it will make failing easier to bear.

7. If a man puts his hand in the small of your back on the first date, there will not be a second date.

8. Pecans should be facing up in a pie.

9. You have two families: the one you are born into, and the one you make.

10. There is no such thing as too late.



21 Sep

My sweet older sister hated me when I was born. She covered my face in lipstick, when she had the chance, and referred to me as “it.” As in, it’s crying. Make it stop.

When I was 3 and she was 7, she told me I had ruined her life. Before I was born, she got pancakes for breakfast every day and had a puppy. We were eating cold cereal. We did not have a puppy.

But still, I fucking adored her. She was my mirror and I was heartbroken when I realized I didn’t look exactly like her. I protected her from our mean neighbor Sena and la la loved her up to the moon.

And at her wedding, I wept like a widow. I cried because my own heart is broken, and because her heart is complete now, and that brings me great joy. She didn’t trust me to give a speech (she also doesn’t trust me to use soap when I wash dishes and or to wear underwear, ever) and who could blame her? If I had been given a microphone, though, I would have said this: I love you, and I could not have dreamed you better. And yes, I do use soap, you treacherous bitch.

Daily Mabel

20 Sep

The amount of time I have known you + how much I have been drinking = how likely I am to tell you what my cat is doing while we are on the telephone.


Things You Should Know About Me

16 Sep

Every time I hear the word “sorry,” this plays in my head.


I mean, it’s not that I dislike the word. Okay, that’s exactly it. Tell me to go fuck myself, tell me to dig a hole and die in it.

That’s Enough.

14 Sep











See also: Gasm is not a flavor.

See also: An energy drink that enhances “the place of pleasure” is really just KY and pomegranate juice, right?

See also: Fuck you, 2011.