Archive | October, 2011

Memory

31 Oct

I am four years old, and I am sick on Halloween. I am not allowed to go trick or treating with my older sister and cousins, but my Aunt Sue collects candy for me and they all come over to deliver the loot in their costumes. I am on the couch, which is covered in a sheet – this is standard sick protocol in the Long house – and while my mother is distracted, I have her open a popcorn ball for me. I eat it, and puke immediately.

Daily Mabel

26 Oct

I’ve lost my voice and my iPod, and I spent the last two days on the couch with this little biscuit. I can’t help but feel that I have the best life.

On Sleeping Well

19 Oct

When I was in high school, I wrote a pretty insufferable short story (shocking, I know) about a man who becomes the muse for this wealthy and emotionally bankrupt female artist. In the first part of the story, I described the man by saying, “He slept well, as the unloved generally do.”

Ten years later, after giving my heart away in a small white church and all the awful and lovely things that came after that day, I know I was right about that. Life is much easier when you don’t care about anyone. You get to float through the days, and well – if you get sick or you don’t show up, oh well. Your heart isn’t tied to anyone, so it can’t sink. Nor does it sing.

I haven’t been sleeping super well lately, and I can’t help but be fucking terrified. I always told my ex-husband that one of two things would happen to us: we would get divorced, or we would die. And either way, it was going to hurt. A lot. Everything comes to an end, and eventually all that you love will be carried away. And for the last couple of years, I have used that as an excuse to stay locked in my apartment and in my mind. It’s been good enough, you know. Bills get paid and the cats get fed. I don’t know that I want more, or even deserve it. I have never dreamed for a moment that I would go the rest of my life without being hurt. I expect to be hurt. I also expect the pain to be worth it. So far, the loves of my pathetic life have been worth the trouble. I would take every blow again. I don’t know that I’m ready for more, but…I think it’s time to try.

Things I Have Learned From My Father

17 Oct

1. If a man refers to all other men as “boss” and all women as “miss,” then he has spent some time in the clinker.

2. No back pockets on your pants = weird-looking butt.

3. Everything is going to be okay.

4. Most physical ailments can be cured by a Coca Cola.

5. There are worse things than being poor.

6. A special occasion calls for pork.

7. If you’re really, truly in love, then distance means fuck all.

8. Never marry a Yankee. (I did, and look how that turned out.)

9. Give what you can, when you can.

10. Most food is better the next day.

Things You Should Know About Me

5 Oct

I once spent $300 on dead sea skincare products at a kiosk in Las Vegas because a) I was drunk and b) the kiosk man told me I looked old.

Also: I’m kind of obsessed with skincare and the little sister could always get me to drive her places / not tell on her if she told me I looked like Rose McGowan. Worked every single time. Well played, little sister.