And Then There Were None

24 Jun
Someone asked me recently how many dates I had been on since la divorce and I was like, I don’t know, all of them?  Turns out it was only 23, which at once seems like not enough and entirely too fucking many. For your schadenfreude:
  1. Josiah – Cute vegan, ended up trying to hustle me into a threesome with his friend Reina on our second date.
  2. Kelly, aka Guy With A Girlfriend – Name pretty much sums it up, also he had 7 kids.
  3. Chris – First ever Internet date. Talked most of the time about his deep depression.
  4. Aramis – See my dating videos for more about this fucking guy. TERRIBLE.
  5. Scott – Art teacher / tattoo artist (swoon, right?) ended up being a little more married than I was comfortable with, also was a bit short.
  6. Sean – This one might be out of order chronologically. Met him during my one month of eharmony trauma. Bearded, drove a truck, was “only going on first dates for a while.”
  7. Patrick – Oh man, super cute. Moved away after our first date (rather conveniently, I think) but I managed to harass him via text for roughly a year after. I am his horrible dating story.
  8. Hobo Mark – I’ve talked about him before, he is on the run from the law I think. He ALSO “moved away.”
  9. Joel – Dickfarm clarinet player
  10. Kalamazoo Joe – Slightly nervous but outdoorsy guy. Brought me a baby watermelon on our first date, but then got weird about me being divorced. Next.
  11. Cody – Two dates…also two DUIs. Wore a man ring. Sings a lot of karaoke. Didn’t go on a third date because I liked someone else I was seeing more.
  12. Hobo Nick – Semi-blind redhead in Chicago. Stopped seeing Cody I was so smitten with this guy. He ended up getting arrested at Occupy Chicago which makes a long distance relationship hard also he was sort of homeless. If I’m being honest, he technically ended things.
  13. Hot Chocolate – Some dorky but very nice guy that I barely remember. We met for coffee, he got hot chocolate, I lost what little interest I had in him.
  14. Lucas – Unbearably good looking carpenter. 2 dates. Disappeared. Would see him again in a heartbeat, shaming myself and Gloria Steinem at the same time.
  15. Bo – Lispy redhead with lots of tattoos. Told me he thought his brother might be a serial killer.
  16. Mike – My record of 7 dates! He was kind of a dick but in a very subtle way. I told him I didn’t want to see him again after he called me a whore (again, in a very subtle way) and he was not bothered by this at all.
  17. Matt? – Very nice single dad, talked a lot about his “crazy” baby mama. This date was equally awkward for both of us, we just acted like it NEVER HAPPENED. Forgot his name because I’m a jerk I guess.
  18. Another Chris? – Total head case. Wanted me to talk in detail about my divorce, and then talked about all his phobias including lack of napkins and getting food on his face.
  19. Nat – Two dates. Similar in name and looks to my ex-husband. Wanted to spend the summer riding his bicycle, hence no third date.
  20. Accordion player – Had a great mustache. I got the distinct impression I disappointed him. Forgot his name so I guess he disappointed me too? I don’t know.
  21. Nick – Former chef. Super cute, great tattoos, talked about himself a lot. Disappeared. Meh.
  22. Dustin – Totally enjoyable time, totally homosexual date.
  23. Brett – He counts as 22.5 because he came to pick me up and I wouldn’t even leave with him. The old ‘here’s a pic of me from 5 years ago looking the best I have ever looked’ trick actually got me this time.
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4 Responses to “And Then There Were None”

  1. Stephanie June 24, 2012 at 7:48 pm #

    Wow… Long list! Here’s to hoping you can find somebody normal to add to that list sometime in the near future!

  2. Nealy June 25, 2012 at 8:52 pm #

    Loved the trip down memory lane

    • No mittens, no pie June 26, 2012 at 3:15 am #

      Seems like just yesterday I was at bad date #15 and Kenan was in utero hearing me bitch. Sunrise, sunset.

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