These Changing Times

6 Jul

This fucking guy. I’ve been hanging out with this man for 366 days. And in that time, our feelings for each over have grown so much! so fast! He has brought more joy to my life than I ever thought I would feel when I was going through my divorce. I love this man, and I have loved being loved by him. He has challenged me and just by being himself, inspired me to be a better person. A more honest, kinder person. But. Buuuuuut. The other night I seriously considered smothering him as he slept in my bed, and honestly he most likely would

Imagehave welcomed the silence of death versus hearing all that I was shrewing at him. (I’m making that a verb now. So.)

I  have dreams, and he has his own. There’s shit I’m good at, and shit he isn’t good at, and, well. I’m 30, my dudes. I am 30 and I have a biological imperative to pro-create and if it’s not with this guy? It’s going to be with someone, and I want it to be soon. And it’s not an ultimatum of, “Get me pregnant, you monster that I love,” but moreso the question of, “Do we love each other enough to figure out what’s wrong or is it just time to pack it in?” I mean, how much space and leeway do you give a romance before you realize, with the heaviest of black hearts, that loving someone just isn’t enough? I don’t know. With my divorce, we got to napalm levels of hatred for each other. We didn’t want to be friends or even share the same Earth. But now, there’s a man I love whose family I also adore, whose friends have become mine – how do we do this? At what cost?

On top of this, I’m facing unemployment. My job was always temporary, freelance, finite. But I loved making the money, and I got cocky, and now: I  might be alone again and I might be poor again. And I’m so scared. If I don’t have my man by my side and I’m not working for a living, I essentially have no idea who I am. My identity is tied up in the people I love and care for, and the work (any work) that I do.

I am devastated. I am terrified. I am in a position to choose whatever I want. To move away and start a new life, or to burrow deep in my blankets and ignore it all…or? What? I don’t have a goddamn clue, and I am so scared.

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