That’s Not What Ladies Do

15 Jul

I created this little plot of navel-gazing 4 years ago in order to have something that was just for me. At that point in my life, I didn’t feel like I had one moment in an entire day that belonged to only me. I was working 2 jobs, mending a broken heart, and desperately trying to not think about the future. Because the future was most likely more of the same and thinking about that made me want to dig a hole and die in it. I was emboldened by all the bullshit in my life to take a risk (however small it might seem) and in this one tiny area of the universe, be honest. I didn’t care who found me out and I didn’t care what they might think if they did.

I have told secrets I didn’t even know I was keeping. I have told you silly things, embarrassing things, absolutely true things about myself I would rather not admit to right now. And I am a better person for it, I think.

But lately I am feeling a reticence that I am unfamiliar with. I find myself curling up and hiding my soft, white belly from the world. I am blushing and shameful without really even sharing anything. Just existing and having a face has been, lately, mortifying to me. Maybe this is just another season in my life, a time where I keep things close to the vest. The stakes don’t seem higher but they also seem like, the highest they have been in a long time.

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