A Good, Clean Fight

8 Sep

When I am feeling put upon or very small in this world, I think to myself, “Everything I have, I fought to have.” This isn’t true and what’s more, it makes me feel worse. I’m not sure why I can’t get it out of my head.

In truth, parts of my life have been hard won. Others have just happened, or are the result of choices I made when things went South. Mostly, every part of my life is good. However which way my existence has been assembled, I am happy and humbled.

When I was young and in love, my fists were constantly balled up by my sides. I thought I had to fight for equal footing with the object of my affection, that if I rested for even a moment all would be lost. I would be lost, somehow shorted. I was vigilant and hard-hearted. I wrestled love and respect from my husband. I would give it all back if I could. It was not, for a single moment, worth it.

I don’t want to fight anymore – clean or otherwise. I am hanging up my gloves.

I am more particular today about the love I accept. I won’t take love I’ve had to fight for. It does not keep me warm. I don’t want respect that is wrung out and limp. I want what is given freely to me, without intimidation or obligation. Sometimes, I am left wanting and I struggle with that. I might always struggle with that.

But my life, in all areas, is richer now. When you are not constantly fighting, the world opens up to you in a way that I could not have anticipated.

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