The Land Between Here and the Mountains

23 Sep

I listened to this song a lot when I knew I had lost you, a sort of consistent prayer that you would, truly, claim all that had spoiled in my heart. There is much in there that should be cut away.

Now I am listening to it as a reminder that I can be new again, as many times as I see fit. This song reminds me that I have a an innocent heart and what I give, I give freely. That I am a good, kind woman.

My mother apologized to me for teaching me to love so unabashedly. She has, she thinks, done me a disservice. I don’t know if she has. It’s true she has taught me to love with abandon. She also taught me that when you give, it should never be in anticipation of receiving.

The kisses and time and yes, kindness and patience and love I gave you were all offered unconditionally. You don’t have to love me in order to deserve them. I want you to have them regardless of how much I am hurting right now. I don’t want to snatch them back and call you names because you can’t give what I give, want what I want. That would be shameful behavior and besides, I don’t feel that way at all.

I feel special that I got to find such a tender, peaceful part of my heart and hang out with you there. I have spent much of my life twisting in the wind and you calmed those winds for a little bit. I am grateful for the rest.

I usually allow this kind of sadness to draw the curtains on my heart. My instinct is to go hard, turn these feelings into a pearl of indifference and add it to my necklace. To turn you into one of my silly, regrettable stories. I could roll my eyes and offer up an anecdote instead of the truth.

The truth is,this isn’t a silly story. You are not regrettable. I feel at home in my body, in my heart. I am happy to be here and sad to be leaving, all at once. And if you find me again, I will be the same sweet, freckled secretary.

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