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Things I Have Learned From My Father

17 Oct

1. If a man refers to all other men as “boss” and all women as “miss,” then he has spent some time in the clinker.

2. No back pockets on your pants = weird-looking butt.

3. Everything is going to be okay.

4. Most physical ailments can be cured by a Coca Cola.

5. There are worse things than being poor.

6. A special occasion calls for pork.

7. If you’re really, truly in love, then distance means fuck all.

8. Never marry a Yankee. (I did, and look how that turned out.)

9. Give what you can, when you can.

10. Most food is better the next day.

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Conversations With My Little Sister

8 Sep

With many apologies to my shift key.

 

Me: I kinda want a cigarette. Weird.

Little Sister: I just lit a cigarette. GET OUT OF MY HEAD.

Me: OH MY GOD. I AM TOTALLY IN YOUR HEAD.

Ten minutes later

Me: Heathers OnDemand? Yes, please.

Little Sister: I AM WATCHING HEATHERS RIGHT NOW.

Me: SHUT THE FUCK UP.

Little Sister: I AM NOT LYING. VERONICA, YOU KNOW I’M ALWAYS RED.

Me: WE ARE THE SAME GODDAMN PERSON.

Little Sister: I AM ALSO WISHING I HAD A BEAN BURRITO.

Me: DAMN IT, ME TOO!

Little Sister: SHUT UP!  HOW ARE WE THE SAME PERSON?

Me: I DON’T KNOW BUT IT IS AWESOME AND SCARY.

Little Sister: THIS IS INSANE.

Me: Hey, we should see if we can get away with only one of us eating!

Little Sister: Okay, you take the first feeding schedule.

 

We had a banana and coffee for breakfast. I’m going to see her tomorrow, and it will be like coming home.

Conversations with My Little Sister

26 Aug

Snapped this pic of the sales chart at job 2.0:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

and sent it to my little sister, naturally.

 

Me: For real?

Little Sister: Oh god!

Me: Does it strike you as a bit…anti-semitic?

Little Sister: GET OUT OF MY HEAD!

 

Apologies to Jewly.  It isn’t your fault, I know.

Conversation with the Little Sister

19 Jul

Little sister: You know what freaks me out about rompers?

Me: You have to get naked to pee.

Little sister: GET OUT OF MY HEAD.

Text from My Little Sister

13 Jul

I just caught [redacted] trying to get Quincy to hold a drink umbrella while wearing a shawl. He was playing Island of Dr. Moreau with Quincy and Preston.* Logically, Quincy was the doctor and Preston was the beast. Just so you know. Also, I think I smell like dishwater.

 

*Quincy and Preston are cats. Obviously.

Actual Text Message Exchange With My Little Sister

13 Jul

3:14 AM (sister): FMOSS 3*, get it?
3:14 AM (moi): Yes!! Fmoss 3*! Ohh, Kevin.
3:15 AM (sister): YES!!!!!

*For those of you who are unschooled and less nerdy than the sisters Long, this is a Daria reference. From the episode where they take a field trip to an epic shopping center and the football player Kevin attempts to remember their parking location by making a word out of “f” “moss” and “3.” Fmoss 3. Of course. Ahem.